HOW I GOT HERE

* SPIRITUAL BEING - STUDENT - HEALER - ALL AROUND HAPPY HUMAN *

From an early age I began consuming food to fill the emotional voids within my life, and was bullied for my weight all through elementary and middle school. As I transitioned into adolescence, I began thinning out, and remember suddenly receiving compliments about my body and how much ‘better’ I looked. I had people express their concerns for me never finding love, if I hadn’t lost the weight. It hurt my heart, and also solidified what I had already been telling myself - being thin makes you beautiful. Being thin makes you lovable. I found that even though my peers were no longer bullying me, I had become my own worst enemy. I began struggling with depression and disordered eating when I was 11 years old, and admittedly, still sometimes face these challenges today.

Years later, in 2014, I was inspired to revamp my diet and lifestyle thanks to a very good friend of mine. I decided to go vegan, and wow did I ever feel incredible (for a while). I lost weight, my nails and hair grew stronger, my skin was clear, and I was finally starting to feel happy again. It had been an overwhelming year, so smiling and feeling positive was a huge step forward. 

In December of 2014, after months of her being sick, my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer. This is something I had been preparing myself for for years, but it still hit me like a freight train. In order to be strong for my mom, I pushed all of my fear and sadness deep below the surface. I knew I had to be her rock, but I was angry. Angry at her for not making healthier choices, and angry at the world for bringing this illness upon our family. I felt hopeless as I watched this incredibly strong, beautiful, outgoing woman deteriorate before my eyes. I brushed the hair she had left that hadn’t yet fallen out from chemo, I picked her up off the couch when she couldn’t stand, and I put lotion on her back while choking back tears as I felt all of her bones through her skin.

The cancer quickly spread throughout her body and into her brain. She suffered multiple seizures and memory loss; she even forgot who I was until another seizure put her into a coma. She passed away peacefully on Christmas morning in 2015, her favorite day of the year. I wasn’t at the hospital when she died, but I felt it in every ounce of my being. I had just lost the most important woman in my life, and I was devastated. 

Days after my mom’s passing, I was on a plane to New Zealand. I spent the next 2 years traveling and pushing down my grief and sadness, once again filling the voids with food, as well as drugs and alcohol. I truly believed that if I kept myself busy, I wouldn’t have to face the pain. I came home from a trip to Ireland weighing 20 pounds more than I ever had, and I hated myself. I was so unhappy with the person I saw in the mirror, and I knew something needed to change. I just didn’t know where to start. 

After months of working out excessively, experimenting with ‘skinny tea’ cleanses, weight loss gummies, meal replacement shakes, and eating a very clean, vegan diet, I lost 30 pounds. I thought that I’d be satisfied when I hit my goal, but I wasn’t. I still saw the unlovable, overweight girl in the mirror. I continued to workout every single day, sometimes twice a day even though I was exhausted. I restricted my portion sizes to next to nothing because I was so afraid of gaining weight. Deep down I knew that changing my weight alone wasn’t going to change my opinion of myself, because it was much deeper than that. This is also when I began to experience severe digestive issues, which continued on for the next 4 years. 

After a series of emotional breakdowns, I finally threw away my scale, cut down on exercising, ditched the crazy diets, and made more of an effort to change the narrative in my head. Shortly after all this, I enrolled in the Integrative Health Coach Training Program through IIN. This program opened my eyes to the world of nutrition and showed me how to build a business, but it also taught me a lot about myself. 

As time went on, my gut health was suffering more and more. I spoke with doctors, naturopaths, homeopaths, gastro specialists, and so on. No one could find any answers. Eventually, my digestive distress was linked to my diet, grief, and stress. When we push our feelings down, we create physical trauma within our bodies, and I had most definitely done a number on mine. I worked alongside my naturopath, who suggested that I reintroduce animal products into my diet to help my digestion. I had never wanted to do anything less - after all, I had told myself I would be vegan forever. Eventually however, I couldn’t stand the pain and suffering any longer, so I took her advice, and never looked back. If you want to learn more about my journey out of veganism, you can check out my blog post here.

From there, I was able to turn my focus inward. I began going to therapy regularly and hired my own health and wellness coach. I found my spiritual path, and have fallen deeply in love with this life, with shadow work, and medicine ceremonies of all kinds. It is within these realms that I’ve experienced the most growth and healing. I quickly realized just how much internal work needed to be done, so in I went.

My journey down the medicine path has been incredibly eye opening and healing. I never thought of myself as a spiritual person, until my mom passed. Before finding my way, I turned to drugs to help numb my pain, and to give me a false sense of happiness and connection. My journey took a turn when I was invited to sit in a tobacco ceremony, followed by an Ayahuasca ceremony in 2019. It had been 4 years since I lost my mom, and I still hadn’t given myself the proper space to grieve. Within this ceremony space I was forced to fully surrender, and face my sadness and anger. It was challenging, heart wrenching, and beyond beautiful. For the first time in a long time, after shedding many tears, I felt at peace within myself. I felt more love in my cells than I had in what felt like a lifetime. Plant medicine truly changed my life for the better. It was as if I had experienced years of therapy within several days. From here I began exploring all sorts of healing modalities such as breath work, meditation, and various plant ceremonies.

In 2020, just months after my first medicine journey, I was introduced to Kambo. It was something that I told myself I would never sit with, but when the opportunity arose my whole body said yes, and I accepted the invitation. My connection with the frog has blossomed into a partnership that I never saw coming, and now I can’t imagine my life without it. I sat with the medicine countless times for 2 years before hearing the call to become a practitioner. In 2022, I traveled to Oregon to complete my advanced apprenticeship training. It is such a gift to have been chosen to be a carrier of this medicine. It has helped me see just how strong and resilient I can be, and I know it can help change the lives of those who are open to the experience. 

In May of 2024 I found myself in the Amazon jungle of Peru, learning about Kambo directly from the Matsés tribe. This experience opened my eyes, and deepened my respect for the medicine, the frogs, and the people, in a really big way. I left a piece of my heart in the jungle, and am already looking forward to returning and supporting the communities I’ve connected with.

There have been many unexpected twists and turns in my life, and while I’ve suffered my fair share of pain and hardship, I have also been blessed with so much beauty, love and laughter. Losing my mom was the hardest thing I have ever had to endure, but her death was also the catalyst into this incredible life that is now mine. I miss her every day, and have her to thank for teaching me how to be kind, curious, nurturing, and everything else under the sun. I am so proud of the woman I am today, and am excited to see what lies ahead.

Thank you for reading xx